I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize