He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
