Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
