Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
