Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
