I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
