Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
