dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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