All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
