i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
now i know why i became what i already was.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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