She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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