we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
