omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
