Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
