Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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