yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Randomize
