I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
