the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
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