allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
