I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
