he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
