Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
