What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Randomize
