I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
