I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
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