I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
