Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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