I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
