You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
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