How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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