what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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