No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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