I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
