i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
