Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Randomize
