I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
