South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Randomize
