When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
