so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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