I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Randomize
