I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
sex in a hospital.. check
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
