I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Randomize
