Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
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