I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
