he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
