The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
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