God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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