I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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