I got chris browned last night
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
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