Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
