if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
