My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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