I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
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