I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
