Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
