Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
