Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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