I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
