the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize