didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Bring me that man meat
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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