Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
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