You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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