Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
