Well apparently he's into motor boating.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
