You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
