xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
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