I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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