What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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